The Death of Lone Wolf - Part Two

A Fool or a Visionary?

Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter nine
Chapter ten

'Glad I'm not you'
Click pic for a poignant music and slideshow adventure

19/10/98 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - When Evi came into the kitchen (while Sarah and I were hugging) she called a greeting...and I replied, tacitly, "Hi."  There was nothing else I wanted to say to her, unless there was a one on one.
Then I would ask, "Why?"
Sarah asked where I had got to after our encounter in the Reithalle on Saturday. I told her..." the Lorraine, then Ana's, but they were watching I left after awhile and went home."
After the WG visit I left for Kehrsatz, where Jarru was cooking a Lasagne. I offered Sarah to come, if she wished. She didn't - and I knew she didn't wish before I asked. But I asked, because Sarah is wanting something from me...but not everything, or anything. Until I know what she wants it is hard for me to give it. As she doesn't represent 'all the way' I can't bend my life too much for her....nor does she expect me to. Maybe Kat (Antwerp) holds the key to understanding this?
Maybe Sarah simply wants a father figure?
That is not too hard a role to fill. I can get on with my life and still be that.
But if this is training for my correct interaction with Rachel (my daughter) I should be careful how I arrange this. I will need to be contactible and able to contact. The mind link between Rachel and I is impossible to bridge without direct one on one contact.
On this, the Sarah/Brian link is not lacking. So it represents an advanced level of Rachel/Brian that will eventually be reached...and built upon.
If I view it this way it may just be I will view it correctly.
But this would make the Evi betrayal more biting if Sarah is a 'surrogate Rachel'. Especially should Sarah/Evi be the 'family' emotional support in Dublin, where Rachel herself could come into the frame.
Maybe thus, Fate is warning me that the short cut through the Labyrinth is not a short cut that will work?
I must think on this.....
20/10/98 - Tues - Philip is stressing on earning the money to clear himself enough to get to Antwerp, while covering next month's rent. It is understandable that the tension he feels under makes him annoyed that he has to find rent...and I don't. He openly expressed this...and I openly answered. I am prepared to explain my position.
If I was to commit myself to some kind of rent agreement here a major step in the Labyrinth will be missed. I would find it difficult to get to Belgium...and (probably) difficult to function, as I will need to, when I get there...or should I manage to get there.
In addition, Philip's task (a difficult one) is maintaining fortress of Kehrsatz. It is unlikely I will be here this Winter, so it will be a lone task for him, but boosted by the reward of co-operation with Jarru.
I spoke to him of my failure at just such a task...and how it hurt to feel I let down Gerhard.
My wish is that Philip succeeds in his task and lets down no one. It may be that I can offer him something if the work options go well, but I can promise nothing - so I don't.
Philip understands much of what I'm saying...and my unspoken message to him is "be a mobile army and trust in your ability to operate independently - but within the strategy and framework of a united force of mobile armies".
My present role leaves a slight distaste within me. I do what I feel I must - not especially what I want. It hurts me deeply....the things I can't do. The things I would like to do for those I love...but can't.
So my latest song reflects some of this, alongside my sense of frustration at people like Evi, who fail to (on the face of it) see what I am going through...and what I'm trying to do...for them, for me, for....
I'm nothing perfect, I do what I can  (hear the song - read lyrics)
There are things I want to achieve too. Unless things happen the right way I may never achieve these things. One of these desires represents my daughter. More than often, people just don't remember that. People, more often, see what they need from me, or seek to meet the needs they see I have in the place I happen to be.
That's fine! I'll do what I can for them. But if I feel I've wasted my time it bites me in ways they barely conceive, because they don't realise the full sorrow of Brian.
A late pitch on the Munster was tepid and a street pitch by the Globus was slow. Around 18sfr for the whole thing, but I met Stephanie(20) on the way to the Munster. We talked...and she said she would like to meet and talk properly, but she was likely to be busy this week. Maybe we'll meet on the Munster. That was the agreement. She is a beautiful girl, but unless we get beyond half meetings I can't spend too much time thinking on her.
However, a line with Stephanie would be possibly an important one, if the future allows.
After playing the Munster I was pleased to see Anada entering the park. I thought maybe she may just come over to speak a little, then disappear amongst her friends. But she went to her friends first...said hello...then came to me. Our talk was long and deep. I showed her my latest text/lyrics, and when she finished reading it she said, "Wow!"
I knew she could relate to this. She is a beautiful soul and she has lived through much of the pain of these words, on the emotional level.
On Evi, Anada said that Evi is scared of her emotions. That is a practical defence, but for songwriting based on the soul the fear must be surmounted. Anada seemed to suggest that Evi's betrayal was based on love...and the conflict it represented within her. Also, that she knew I was important to her...and that having me close by was important....but, TOO close by challenged her fear and (I would suspect) became an accusation that was inescapable - even within her home.
Anada thinks I should speak to Evi, even if she doesn't approach me first. But I retorted that my first word would have to be, "Why?".....even if I knew. Because, otherwise, my resentment would be too deep to be blandly social. That Evi does not seek to unravel my anger at her is disappointing.
But who would easily do such a thing, knowing you are likely to get your head bitten off?

Now it is time to present the nature of  a betrayed Brian...that he is prepared to speak of his anger, yet listen to answers and then let the whole thing drop. But Lone Wolf, of course, can not be revived. The borders would need to be re-defined. Trust would be an extra carefully monitored border. That is sad.
Anada and I went to Zur Gereckton for a drink, and I found my emotional confusion difficult to explain.
The way I view love is almost inexplainable, but if someone meets me 'all the way'....and I deem myself able to reciprocate....I would be with them 'all the way'. My track record proves this. But "love you/you love me" with boundary lines is not acceptable to me in relationship terms. I may swim in the thing for awhile, but I would be just as happy not to...and accept the friendship.
My diary clearly shows the way I define my idea of love and how I deal with it. I think!?!
Talking it out with Anada simply left me confused...and feeling I lost the script. It made me insecure, wondering whether Anada had picked out some comment she didn't like or approve....but, in the end, I have to speak as I will...and those behind me...up ahead, I'll find somewhere.
It should be noted I bear Anada much love already. It makes me scared. (Your Eyes)
In the end, how can I justify my resentment toward Evi?
In the end, all I feel is guilty - as though I over-reacted.
In the end, all I want to do is hug her.
In the end, such a thing is worthless unless Evi feels the same....or similar. But if she does...we are tearing each other apart for no reason - aside from pride and arrogance.
But, of course, the Wild Wolf may cover her defection with other defections. The conflict between Evi and I is confused by the lack of knowledge about the way either of us can gauge the response. If Evi has her own sense of personal betrayal by me, this could easily be so. It is probably best to establish our response factors early, rather than too it would be in Dublin.
So I may as well know this trip, and it is preferable that she takes the bother to find out too - if she wants to know the full Brian, not the pouty one. The less she responds, the less I can accredit her potential in my scheme of things.
Philip doesn't want me to leave for Antwerp, just yet. If I'm still here I run the risk of a bad financial week, or the possibility of a good financial week. But I do have the financial option to go to Antwerp. I could go now, if I chose. So I stay at Kersatz. Philip wants me here, so I stay here. If I was faced with rent, then I would go...because it would reveal the limitations the trip was designed to uncover.
But the signs indicate I stay until next Monday, at least. There is still much here awaiting resolution, or cocoon establishment. For a 'signpost', Philip is integral, because it is his place (and Jarru's) that I am staying at...and there are no realistic alternatives. That is why the funds to reach Antwerp (and settle there) are essential to possess. Because the end game of this trip is imminent and I don't want to over-impose on the same place twice.
The brinkmanship on this trip is intricate.
I need to have faith in what I do, but it is with fingers crossed. But my life requires this. If the end result is futlie, then I must say, "Sorry, Rachel! I was gripped by madness...and the undeserving fooled me to have faith in them...and I fooled them into having faith in me, which makes me undeserving."
Sometimes the difference between a visionary and a fool is a very thin line. The General who cries, "Charge!" and leads the gallop with his sabre drawn and his horse at full pace is either a hero or a fool. A hero if his men follow his command. A fool if they sit around, saying, "Charge? Not me!"
But such was my talk with Adana that it's hard to assess the meat of it.

GLAD I'M NOT YOU (music stream and lyrics)


Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce