The Death of Lone Wolf - Part Two

"Ways of loving I didn't realise exist"

Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter nine
Chapter ten


27/10/98 - Tues - Bern (Switzerland) - I phoned Anada at her work place and told her of my second 'farewell thing' at the Reithalle tonight. She was clearly happy I called and enthusiastic to be there.
After pitching, Evi and I headed for the Reithalle, where Sarah was waiting, with my bag of assorted stuff extracted from Eliot's place. It is only photos, lyrics and bits and pieces, but they are of sentimental value to me, so I was pleased to pick them up.
Anada was also there. I am always happy to see Anada....
"I'm very tired," she said, "but I'm here! And the only reason I'm here is to see you."
It lifts me enormously to hear her say this. She is increasingly open and verbal with her affection for me....but, with Sarah, I guess there could be confusion within the mind.  But, though there was some confusion within me, I could see no sign of it in Anada, Sarah and Evi...nor could I see any in the whole situation.
Brian/Sarah is father/daughter, as things stand. Brian/Anada is a growing, blooming friendship... based on increasing love and respect. Evi/Brian is Evi/'s a bond of enormous scope...from love to conflict on the inner levels.
The three female souls are bonded to me in completely different ways...even though these ways are, to a large part, still mysterious.
On leaving, this was displayed to an extent.
Anada...she was sitting, but I kneeled to embrace her, and her legs parted so my torso and hers could hug unimpeded. Our heads rested on each other's shoulder and what occurred then was verbal....
"Thanks, Anada! One of these days I may discover something I DON'T like about you."
I really find her so great that even her anger would likely charm me.
"Thanks!" she replied, "But I think you are great yourself."
"Me? No!  I'm only  Brian!"
"And I ... am only Anada!" she countered, with a smile.
Well, that's more than enough to be proud of, thought I.
Evi...some words of affection and (as with Anada) a long hug....but playful, as I lifted her off her feet. Evi responded with a laugh and returned the favour. I found myself
lifted by her, leaving my legs dangling off the ground for a few seconds until she put me down. But she wasn't finished (anything you can do..). She moved her arms down lower and gripped me by the waist. She staightened and I was effortlessly lifted and imprisoned upon her, but this time for longer. I thought, for a moment, she would be swinging me from side to side like she did in the WG sometimes. But she settled on carrying me long enough to make her point.
She doesn't look strong. She is!
Sarah...she walked with me to the Bahnoff, after Evi's lifting experience. On the platform, it was hugs, full kisses, but,most important...eyes. She sees my soul, it seems, quite clearly, and...despite herself, and her enjoyment of puppy games...she feels the power of real love - and the pain of parting cuts deep, I would guess, within her soul.
The mind and heart will need to work this new experience out. From that will be gleaned, ultimately, the conclusion. Father/daughter? Or full lovers, unbound from such conscious constriction?
28/10/98 Weds - Belgium - I'm on the Anvers train from Brussels Nord, and as it leaves Mechelen I ponder the way I'll find things in Antwerp. As it is planned as my Winter base I am nervous about the whole thing. Not helped by being reduced to 300 Belgian francs....and the cloudy, damp weather...and my growling stomach. Somehow I'll need to work today to try to improve my financial situation, but, at least, on the overnight train, I had the compartment to myself all the way...and, basically, a bed with a good degree of comfort.
In summary, I challenged Bern to match the emotional richness of Antwerp. It did!
In breath-taking style! So much so that there seems little to compare with it in Antwerp on the female front. But now Antwerp has the baton, and the challenge is faced by it.
I sit at Kriso's 8.30 am. I managed to catch him before he went to work. Better still!
He had coffee made in the machine. But he hasn't been out much due to work, so he couldn't pass on any gossip, although I was able to speak of Sarah and my thing with her...
"Of course, she's nineteen,"  said I, "I don't know how it happens that way, but it seems to."  ACTUALLY, SHE WAS EIGHTEEN.
"Well,then, you can have Mia, " joked Kriso, with a hint of bitterness, "She's still got a month left of being nineteen." But, from this, maybe I could glean a coldish patch between the two. Well, they often have them, I guess.
"Ah, but some of these girls are 21," I qualified.
"Twenty one!?!" Kriso repeated, astounded, "That's an old bag!"
I missed the Antwerp humour.
I told Sarah, Evi and Anada I would try to write a letter to them, so I had better remember to do that.
"If you send me a letter, then I will send one to you," Anada promised. That's as good an incentive as any. Disappearing into the sunset is fine enough for most social attachments, but the ones represented by these three girls are in crucial shaping. I can by-pass the parallel patterning with letters. It may be time to activate this option. Communication is an edge I need to sharpen.
29/10/98 - Thurs - Antwerp (Belgium) - Today is a classic example of Antwerp. I had 10bfr in the world, and only one cigarette. Living on bread (toasted, of course) and margarine. But I needed just enough money to buy cigarettes, sugar and (if possible) a beer.
Nonetheless, Kriso had cooked some soup, so I had some of that before heading out around 8pm. I called on MC, planning on a five minute visit. I'd heard that Tina was in the States from Kriso. I thought to find out the details and to let MC know I was back. He told me Tina will be back in January, because of visa limitations.
He produced a bottle of white wine, and offered me roll-ups to ease my nicotein crisis. We finished the wine and I headed to Vera's. Ken was suffering a cold, and it had been tough for him, because of the wet wash out weather Antwerp seems to be stuck with. So loaning money from him was not possible. But Vera offered dinner, and two glasses of red wine. I headed into town, but it was gone one in the morning. It didn't look practical to busk the Cathedral.
So I ended up in Whelan's. Paul greeted me and gave me a beer. I tried to use the 10bfr to buy two cigarettes from a bar client. But he gave me two cigarettes and wouldn't take the 10bfr. Veerle came in...and offered a beer...and later, another, while saying,"Help yourself!" to cigarettes. She also wouldn't take the 10bfr.
So I got home with the same 10bfr, having failed to earn or acquire any emergency money.
Yet, through the excursion, I had soup, half a bottle of white wine, an apple, two glasses of red wine, roast chicken with sweetcorn and roast potatoes, three (no, four) beers, cigarettes and roll-ups.
But I had no control over the whole thing, and I like to have the funds for my basic needs - and one of those would be sugar.
30/10/98 - Fri - MC re-affirmed his willingness to help me by putting up visiting friends. It is important that I got this confirmed. It's hard to know what's still in place after such a period away.
But, yesterday, there was a surprise when I opened my travel bag to sort out clothes. I discovered Sarah had placed a gift (a large candle) in the bag, with a wraparound letter sealed by a dried Autumn leaf, which had become richly red from the green of its youth. The letter ran thus:
Brian.....and the little Prinz said to the fox: "You will be crying; you didn't win anything." The fox answered:- I won the colour of the ripe wheatfields, because it's the colour of your hair."
My sadness about your going away makes me glad, because I know I won a love which lets me become clearer, which showed me ways of loving I didn't realise exist. There's not a lot I can say. I'm sure you know it anyway.
Thanks for the love you gave me. Thanks for the time you spent to console me. Thanks that you was here. Thank you.
Go your way, don't lose your sun....Take Sarah".
I guess, of all the things she could have written in a farewell letter, the thing I MOST wanted to learn from her was eloquently confirmed by those opening paragraphs. It confirmed her understanding of soul love, and what (my soul was trying, through the eyes, to assure her soul) is possible, despite bodily limitations of mind and heart. The most important facet of the soul bond is its resistance to time. It ensures the will to re-unite when the opportunity allows. It ensures that (whatever the disparate experiences of the time in between, or the initial awkwardness of re-acquaintance) the simple willingness to let our eyes talk will allow our souls to aid re-familiarisation on other levels.
The Sarah/Brian soul link is desired by us both. But there are no demands or expectations on other levels. Therefore, the bond has no danger of being betrayed by mind, body or heart. The 'ever there' factor of Sarah/Brian supplies a crucial emotional need for Sarah. Much like the dream I had when I arrived in Bern and slept at the 'hello' party next to Evi....
The child had to be made whole. Only when the child was made whole, could it be able to cry. It's logical!
Do I really have to explain all this? Do I have to explain how VITAL the task set before me by Sarah was in my Labyrinth?
Do I have to explain how easy it could have been to miss the whole thing, because it was so hidden that I never saw the relevance...and may never have seen the relevance, or may have cocked the whole thing up by simply grabbing what I could out of it, viewing everything in black and white?
It's always flattering to have someone writing a letter of love your way. But this is not the important aspect for me in this letter. The letter represents a major triumph in the Labyrinth and a sense of relief, because I knew how scared I was that I'd get the whole thing wrong. The dream told me my task. It told me what should be the desired result. This letter confirmed the desired result has occurred.
But the full relevance of this dream was not understood by me until AFTER I read this letter. If I had got it wrong? It would have been too late.
"You will be crying"...the sadness about your going away makes me glad...
Before the child in the pram was made whole, it was as a doll with separated parts. It had no life. Putting the parts of the doll together produced a child. This child was organic, and it cried. But the crying was not a bad thing. It signified the potential to experience the opposites of emotion, like joy and grief.
On Monday, I cried as a child. Putting the doll together was a joint Sarah/Brian effort. Through all the inexplainability of Sarah/Brian, we worked ourselves through to an understanding that leaves a richness that is inexplainable to others.
We can not hold this wealth in our hands and say, "This is what I've got."
But we can feel the presense of each other. We face the world separately, and yet together, because we have met...and bonded.

Ways of loving I didn't realise exist


Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce