The Death of Lone Wolf - Part Two

Cause of death: Misunderstanding

Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter nine
Chapter ten

17/10/98 - Sat - Bern (Switzerland) - Philip came into the Manora this evening to have dinner. He said he had met Evi, who was sitting on the Baren Platz. She told him to say 'Hi' to Brian.
Uh huh!
But there was nothing much for Philip and I to do. We chewed over Solothurn, but then we felt it might be best to just play a couple of places in Bern. I don't know why we get fooled into that notion. The Bernese bars are not attractive to play at the moment - and Philip and I went to the Reithalle cafe entrance, only for Philip to cry off because he reckoned there would be too many people he knew who give him weed. So we looked later at the Lorraine. It was basically empty. So we ended up at Ana's place. That was something, I guess. The first visit to her place.
But all of this is routine interest. The meat of the plot spun into motion while Philip and I were checking out how the Baren Platz terrace was shaping. It looked sparse, but it may yet have been worth playing. As things turned out, it would definitely have proved better than our decided option of playing bars...because we played nothing.
Just as I was about to look over the terrace possibilities I heard, "Brian!!!"....and saw Sarah running my way. She looked frantic and distressed. She came, and we hugged long and deep. She was with Kris and three other guys...and she introduced them, while informing me Evi will be turning up soon. That particular snippet was enough to prod me to be moving elsewhere soon.
Sarah said she would be down the Dampfcentrum later, but I knew I wouldn't go there. Not if Evi was going to be there....and anyway, it would not be conducive to be with a whole group of strangers (or half knowns) while emotional politics are at a high ebb.
Sarah produced a sheet of paper...saying it was a letter to me. At first, I thought it may be from Evi, but as I opened the folded paper and glanced at it I could see it was signed, "love - Sarah" - so I didn't read it on the spot, because a letter can be good or bad or intended for private reading.
Philip and I left for the Reithalle, while I remembered Ken's joking statement about..."then the letter: that's the killer!"
But once I was able to read it privately, it read:
You know, sometimes the cave becomes a prison
You know, sometimes you have to escape, you don't know why
You know, sometimes you're too close to the ones you love
You know, sometimes it's hard to understand the way others feel
You know, sometimes you have to hurt, even if your heart breaks
You know, sometimes you had so much to say, but you can't find the right words
You know, sometimes the light is so bright, the shadow so far away
You know, sometimes the child dies and you can't bring it back alive
You know, sometimes you can't see the signs of love and you feel alone
But I guess you know what I mean
You know, I don't wanna lose you!
love Sarah
It was a beautiful letter...and I do know what she means. It is the mystery of the Sarah/Brian bond. I suspect father/daughter plays a strong part in it (she lost her father to an accident when she was four), but I can't say what it fully ammounts to.
It needs space and time to develop...and the closeted WG enforces too much haste and confusion.
Philip and I arrived at the Reithalle and we ordered a beer. We were sitting talking to Ritchie when a hand tweaked my shoulder...and I turned to see Evi saying, "Hi, Brian!" Coldly (and with no enthusiasm) I replied, "Hello, Evi." Even that was reluctant and dragged out.
But shortly afterwards, Sarah came...and we hugged. In between kisses I told her I thought the letter was beautiful. I also told her that she has not lost me, and unless she decides otherwise she has no fear of losing me. So I told her to relax on that.
I would be worse than Wild Wolf if I distressed someone who has affectionately cared and dealt with me honestly.
She seemed very happy about my re-assurance. I would not give this re-assurance if it wasn't true. She needn't fear losing me. But that doesn't mean I will always be here in Bern. I must go to Belgium soon...and soon. But that doesn't mean Sarah will have lost me...any more than coming here to Bern meant that Char lost me.
Sarah can find me in Belgium. I can find Sarah in Bern. But, on inner levels, she doesn't have to worry about losing me. There is plenty of time to work out Sarah/Brian.
In fact, it will probably need plenty of time.
Anyhow, I suspect she wants me around when she wants me around. Whether I want her around is not a matter she will worry overmuch far as I can tell.
But I know the bond has been established and I am able to pick her up on the energy waveband. Much of her confusion this week is a direct result of the establishment of the psychic (telepathic) link.
18/10/98 - Sun - "It was all a misunderstanding!" Sarah claimed, as I assured her last night.
Yes, I can see that! And I can only see where the source of the misunderstanding came from. That's why I'm angry with Evi. To have someone back stabbing you after a night out where they had seemed the perfect friend will always cause anger.
But my peculiar situation means that, in Antwerp, I need sure allies. To introduce someone from Bern into the Antwerp game means I need to know to what level I can trust them. Would they stand firm against frienemy vitriol, should they encounter it?
A General needs to know which units of his army are reliable...and which units less so. But my army is based on inner levels of belief, not especially outer levels of ouvert actions. The betrayal of Wild Wolf was based on the implication of inner level mistrust...and it was this that meant Lone Wolf was slain.
Sarah claimed it was a "misunderstanding". But the trial and execution has already taken place. Lone Wolf perished through "misunderstanding".

18/10/98 - Sun - What Brian is now is, of course, uncertain. A death always causes a period where re-orientation is difficult. Moving forward is the usual task. But now I have a confusion about which direction 'moving forward' would suggest. Antwerp would represent a complete re-orientation based mainly on onus matters from lives that pre-date "Lone Wolf".
But there are 'stay awhile' signals from people still here in Bern. Sarah, Anada, Philip and Chantel represent the chief communicators of this... directly, or indirectly. As things stand, once I go to Antwerp, I can't see that a return here can be possible unril, at the earliest, February. It may be much later than that. The only thing I can imagine is practical to do is to place all the bonds that are not likely to turn up in Antwerp onto the basis of cocoon. Then I have to move forward and see what is left of the cocoon bonds stored here...when I eventually return.
The attempt to bind the parallel paths (Antwerp/Bern) into one does not seem to have worked. My palm indicates many squares dealing with vital matters on the Fate and Success lines. But the options and possibilities are manyfold (on the success line) where decisions must be made (and opportunties taken) and squares indicate they must be decided on soon - if not, now.
I think I have to learn how to EXPECT success, rather than falling into defeatist traps. I have to make my belief and trust in myself real - to myself. At some point in a battle a General must risk losses and make the change or manoever that will win or lose.
But can he rely on his troops?
That is another question. The tragedy of Lone Wolf exposed just this question.
Does the General risk the charge, despite the evident unreliability of a major unit?
Or does he sound the retreat...and regroup on a new position...knowing his rearguard will take heavy losses with the manoever?
Knowing that many units can not retreat effectively, so will be prisoners of war on an inner level?
But this is only one battle in the war. The campaign has achieved remarkable success and, on inner levels, much has advanced. The reversal caused by Evi has not lost the war. Her attempt to make her unit defect has not swayed the loyalty of her troops to the General - and thus, she is in quandary.
But the General must fortify, as well as possible, his gains here and review the well being of his units elsewhere. A very difficult campaign awaits him in Belgium.
He must rely on his forces to hold the line here and establish what the line IS - and have an idea how well it will hold...and for how long. Then he can predict the likely success of the line.
Then he can visit Antwerp and overview what has held of the line there.
From this, he can plan his next campaign.
19/10/98 - Mon - The biggest stumbling block to any campaign is communication. It makes parallel lines hard to assess. The most successful armies ensured a good communication system. The Romans. The mongols. The Germans. The Allies (once they had learnt from their mistakes). Poor communication systems was a major factor in the Fall of France in 1940.
My problems have been beset by scommunication difficulties. In normal terms, it would be a recipe for inevitable defeat. But this is not so...because I am not facing an enemy that is either united, or co-ordinated.
What makes the enemy formidable is not their active opposition, but rather, how to identify who IS the enemy. What gives me an edge is that I am aware there IS a campaign.
So...despite my communication problems, I act as a mobile army and as a General gathering allies and reinforcements - winning or losing local battles that are part of a strategy on a wider level that only my trusted aides can half comprehend.
Of these, Philip is the most important.
But Evi was an inner battle, or IS one, that could radically change the angles of my campaigns. Thus, the implication of defeat she represents can be viewed as a major reverse on a strategic well as on a local level.
Yesterday, I walked Bern centre in a brooding mood. I sat on a Munster garden bench, seeking to re-orientate onto the coming Antwerp re-birth. Much of the gains I felt I had made in Antwerp on my last visit seem to have less significance than I accredited them when I was re-born here. Much of the gains I felt I had made here in Bern may, as easily, lose the sense of significance...after awhile in Antwerp.
But my 'moving forward' strategy allows me to do just that....and I can concentrate fully on local campaigns. The gains of each life accrue and some may fall away, but still gains accrue.
I called around the WG to pick up my diaries. My feeling of betrayal means the place seeps of the ambience of Lone Wolf's death. Chriggu answered the door...and said Sarah was in the kitchen..
She was sitting there alone...and she was delighted to see me...and I, her. We hugged, and for three quarters of an hour that is basically what we did. Beyond these hugs, communication is difficult... because Sarah/Brian is hard to define. I sought to summarise one aspect to her,
"Our souls love each other."
In addition, it seems our bodies have the right chemistry of attraction.
So the basic attraction is based on soul/body...and the confusion is based on mind/heart.
Neither Sarah, nor I, can work out precisely what we should offer each other - the 'heart'.
Neither Sarah, nor I, can place a rationale on what should be said, or talked about - the 'mind'.
"Souls are patient things!" I said, "There is time."
She may come to Antwerp in February...if that is where I am. I promised to let her know before I leave Bern. All I can say is I have sought to act honourably with the soul that is Sarah...and thus I feel I have not let her down.
To be honest, I really don't know what to make of the Sarah bond. She is loving, yet distant....but, on the strategic level, she maintains a link with Evi - and Fate may require this. People who figure strongly as significant do not easily disappear back into the woodwork, upon my road through the Labyrinth.
Also, the anger of betrayal is a wasted exercise within the 'family' if it doesn't lead to the dawn of a new beginning....because a new beginning is wanted by both parties.

SOUND FILE ATTACHED TO THIS PAGE: taken from my cassette recordings of the journal (2002/2003) See: After The Labyrinth 


Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce