18/10/98 - Sun - What Brian is now is, of course, uncertain. A
death always causes a period where re-orientation is difficult. Moving forward is the usual task. But now I have a confusion
about which direction 'moving forward' would suggest. Antwerp would represent a complete re-orientation based mainly on onus
matters from lives that pre-date "Lone Wolf".
But there are 'stay awhile' signals from people still here in Bern. Sarah, Anada, Philip and Chantel
represent the chief communicators of this... directly, or indirectly. As things stand, once I go to Antwerp, I can't see that
a return here can be possible unril, at the earliest, February. It may be much later than that. The only thing I can imagine
is practical to do is to place all the bonds that are not likely to turn up in Antwerp onto the basis of cocoon. Then I have
to move forward and see what is left of the cocoon bonds stored here...when I eventually return.
The attempt to bind the parallel paths (Antwerp/Bern) into one does not seem to have worked. My
palm indicates many squares dealing with vital matters on the Fate and Success lines. But the options and possibilities are
manyfold (on the success line) where decisions must be made (and opportunties taken) and squares indicate they must be decided
on soon - if not, now.
I think I have to learn how to EXPECT success, rather than falling into defeatist traps. I have
to make my belief and trust in myself real - to myself. At some point in a battle a General must risk losses and make the
change or manoever that will win or lose.
But can he rely on his troops?
That is another question. The tragedy of Lone Wolf exposed just this question.
Does the General risk the charge, despite the evident unreliability of a major unit?
Or does he sound the retreat...and regroup on a new position...knowing his rearguard will take heavy
losses with the manoever?
Knowing that many units can not retreat effectively, so will be prisoners of war on an inner level?
But this is only one battle in the war. The campaign has achieved remarkable success and, on inner
levels, much has advanced. The reversal caused by Evi has not lost the war. Her attempt to make her unit defect has not swayed
the loyalty of her troops to the General - and thus, she is in quandary.
But the General must fortify, as well as possible, his gains here and review the well being of his
units elsewhere. A very difficult campaign awaits him in Belgium.
He must rely on his forces to hold the line here and establish what the line IS - and have an idea
how well it will hold...and for how long. Then he can predict the likely success of the line.
Then he can visit Antwerp and overview what has held of the line there.
From this, he can plan his next campaign.
19/10/98 - Mon - The biggest stumbling block to any campaign is
communication. It makes parallel lines hard to assess. The most successful armies ensured a good communication system. The
Romans. The mongols. The Germans. The Allies (once they had learnt from their mistakes). Poor communication systems was a
major factor in the Fall of France in 1940.
My problems have been beset by scommunication difficulties. In normal terms, it would be a recipe
for inevitable defeat. But this is not so...because I am not facing an enemy that is either united, or co-ordinated.
What makes the enemy formidable is not their active opposition, but rather, how to identify who
IS the enemy. What gives me an edge is that I am aware there IS a campaign.
So...despite my communication problems, I act as a mobile army and as a General gathering allies
and reinforcements - winning or losing local battles that are part of a strategy on a wider level that only my trusted aides
can half comprehend.
Of these, Philip is the most important.
But Evi was an inner battle, or IS one, that could radically change the angles of my campaigns.
Thus, the implication of defeat she represents can be viewed as a major reverse on a strategic level....as well as on a local
Yesterday, I walked Bern centre in a brooding mood. I sat on a Munster garden bench, seeking
to re-orientate onto the coming Antwerp re-birth. Much of the gains I felt I had made in Antwerp on my last visit seem to
have less significance than I accredited them when I was re-born here. Much of the gains I felt I had made here in Bern may,
as easily, lose the sense of significance...after awhile in Antwerp.
But my 'moving forward' strategy allows me to do just that....and I can concentrate fully on local
campaigns. The gains of each life accrue and some may fall away, but still gains accrue.
I called around the WG to pick up my diaries. My feeling of betrayal means the place seeps of the
ambience of Lone Wolf's death. Chriggu answered the door...and said Sarah was in the kitchen..
She was sitting there alone...and she was delighted to see me...and I, her. We hugged, and for three
quarters of an hour that is basically what we did. Beyond these hugs, communication is difficult... because Sarah/Brian is
hard to define. I sought to summarise one aspect to her,
"Our souls love each other."
In addition, it seems our bodies have the right chemistry of attraction.
So the basic attraction is based on soul/body...and the confusion is based on mind/heart.
Neither Sarah, nor I, can work out precisely what we should offer each other - the 'heart'.
Neither Sarah, nor I, can place a rationale on what should be said, or talked about - the 'mind'.
"Souls are patient things!" I said, "There is time."
She may come to Antwerp in February...if that is where I am. I promised to let her know before I
leave Bern. All I can say is I have sought to act honourably with the soul that is Sarah...and thus I feel I have not let
To be honest, I really don't know what to make of the Sarah bond. She is loving, yet distant....but,
on the strategic level, she maintains a link with Evi - and Fate may require this. People who figure strongly as significant
do not easily disappear back into the woodwork, upon my road through the Labyrinth.
Also, the anger of betrayal is a wasted exercise within the 'family' if it doesn't lead to the dawn
of a new beginning....because a new beginning is wanted by both parties.