The Death of Lone Wolf - Part Two

The Psychic bite of Wild Wolf

Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter nine
Chapter ten

'Glad I'm not you'
Read your own story into this music and slideshow adventure

21/10/98 - Weds - Bern (Switzerland) - No entry.
22/10/98 - Thurs - But one thing is for sure: I can't explain all the messages within "Glad I'm not you". The more straight forward meanings Adana understood completely, as did I. But side meanings are hard to explain (for me) and it is best not to try, unless I really thought it through.
Usually I can pick out where Adana is able to follow my words...and where she isn't, especially when only confused images are all I can speak.
Kehrsatz was made of curious interest yesterday when Nina (an ex-flame of Philip way back in August, '96) came to overview a room for let...and decided to take it. Philip is excited, and anxious, about how he should deal with falling freshly in love.
I told him to look on her as a loved friend that you can kiss a greeting (and hug occasionally) use the experience to strengthen his social skills on the female side. It is a chance for him to respond naturally, rather than possessively (or selfishly) to someone he bears love for on the opposite gender position. He can have the experience of being natural with a girl he loves on a day to day level, without having to place it all into relationship. It is a valuable opportunity.
I told him this...and also that my memorable impression of Philip and Nina was that curious moment two years back, when they stood facing me. It was my first meeting with Nina. I've hardly met her at all since. But, back then, it seemed I was looking at brother and sister. I reminded Philip of that impression help him feel his way successfully around being close by someone he may love, who may have relationships of their own, while Philip, himself, also had his own relationships.
As I explained to him, " Those days when you may emotionally feel down, or in need of comfort? You can get that comfort if you have Nina as a 'sister', not a projected lover."
I tried to explain this. Only time will tell if Philip took it in.
The sun was out, yet the energy to play was hard to get. I felt that I had a weight in my chest...and my energy seemed to be drained. Philip had this too - though I don't know whether he picked the mood up from me. Philip reckoned it may be the downmood energy of the day - this close to the end of the salary month.
Or maybe someone is very depressed and is extracting our energy subconsciously (telepathically). I feel as though I want to sleep, or weep, or just find someone I can hug. I need to work - and probably in Solothurn. But the motivation to do ANYTHING, except sleep, weep or hug, dominates me.
Sarah and Evi seem most prominent in my thoughts, but that is no guarantee the energy distress is coming from them. Sarah phoned yesterday...and Philip answered. After Philip replied that Jarru was out, she asked to speak to me. I guess she knows her priorities. She asked me when I was leaving for Antwerp. I said not sooner than the weekend. Bouncing around on likely meeting ideas she accepted, eventually, my invitation to the 'Indian food night' Jarru and I plan for tomorrow night.
If Evi learnt of this, it would be today. If Jarru feels equally low in energy, it would be a curious thing. But this is all reaching. It may come as no surprise, however, if Sarah "can't make it" tomorrow. The other alternative would be Evi aiming to act, in some way, this evening.
This is a rough outline of my inner half thoughts, but they may be tinged by wishful thinking (or pessimism). All the same, I feel empty and drained.
Maybe it is the post-natal blues of delivery of the new song into the world?
What is going on?
I feel as if I'm being torn to bits inside!
23/10/98 - Fri - No entry.

24/10/98 - Sat - Heading to Solothurn dispersed the gloomy mood enough to function, as a duo, with Philip. We played a compartment of the train to cover the outgoing fare - 36sfr, left 5sfr each as profit from the effort. But we could only do so much (in Solothurn)...and my share was 55sfr. Added to the paltry afternoon effort I guess I could claim to have scraped almost 90sfr from the day, but without much actual profit.
Banking up yesterday, I found I had 150sfr - and, for the Indian meal I was making with Jarru, an expensive shopping prospect. I drew 40 out, resolved to try to earn what I can of the shopping money, but I was not in the mood for the Munster terrace. So I pitched by the Zytglogge for an hour or so. It was slow, but three 5sfr pieces lifted the take to 26sfr - and playing the Federal terrace pulled in 14sfr. Such a co-incidental sum as 40sfr earnt told me things were meant to be, so relax. I bought the food and wine - and set about cooking my Chicken Korma when I got back to Kehrsatz.
Sarah arrived around eight and we hugged much, but my mind was on the cooking so it was hard to fully feel the closeness. But she said, " I missed you! I was looking in the centre for you this afternoon!".
I didn't get into the centre until half three. She would be on her way back to work by then.
As a 'daughter' may choose, she spoke of staying overnight at a guy's place last night, but the guy's girlfriend turned up to cause a strange situation....though there was no technical reason for jealousy. But Sarah does, however, admit to strong feelings for this guy.
Fine! She is clearly soul searching, so she must investigate her options.
I have no demands on her. The father/daughter thing suits me. If we go further than that - equally fine!
But, as it stands, I find it hard to see much in the way of ascent. But who knows what will happen?
We plan to meet on Sunday. It may be my last contact with her this trip, because on Monday (or Tuesday) I plan to head to Antwerp. On a basic level, I'm feeling weary of puppy games here in Bern.
I would guess the 'dying season' (Autumn) will mean just that for my emotional activity, although Antwerp may offer some form of interest there. In the end, it is which (if any) Swiss females find their way there (in Antwerp) that will probably best sort through who counts.
On Evi, when I mentioned her, Sarah said, "You should talk to her! It was all a misunderstanding!"
Maybe it was...and Evi was not lying about me, or bringing me down. Maybe Sarah wanted her space to play her puppy games? And Evi just wanted her space?
Then fine! Why not just say that and make a balanced agreement?
Maybe because they guess at Brian and his ways - and fit it into the wrong visualisation box.
Sarah was investigated by Brian in the only practical way possible - through soul and body. It was to plant a seed...and to see what could flower. Not to expect a flower. It is strange how people seeking social freedom nonetheless believe others can only see in black and white.
Rational thoughts become more difficult when someone DOES mean a great deal to you. Evi and I may be a story of irrational thoughts and actions, based on images of emotional rejection. As I don't know if I'm likely to see her before I leave, it may be a question left hanging, forever unanswered - although Fate may choose for this not to be so. But if that is the case, then it must be all sorted this week, because Kehrsatz is likely to be fully occupied soon.
The attempt by Philip and Jarru to maintain a spare room for guests was a brave thing, but not achievable....although I'm sure they can find space for short term visitors. For me, it seems my path leads away from Bern in the foreseeable future.
The people who may truly matter will seek me out one day - or prove they don't really matter.
This is a good place to be for emotional stimulation, but much of it has a plastic, unendurable feel. Maybe the next time I'm back this way I'll have the taste for such things back.
The dinner was successful, with Sarah, Ana, Morris and Philip and Eliot as the guest diners. Sarah left at eleven, alongside Seena and Morris, while Eliot tried too hard to be the entertaining guest. As the conversation fell too much to talking 'dope' it wasn't inspirational - and I suspect Jarru and Ana felt that keenly also. But it was an ok night.
Sarah and I hugged at the train station, but I found it hard to pull together the soul onto it. Frankly, I can take it or leave it at this point. Either way...I just get on with my life. 

25/10/98 - Sun - I guess this diary is a living thing...and so am I, alongside my emotions. Sometimes I have to cringe at my hypocrisy, or wrong re-actions to someone who deserved better. It was with a certain shame at my own lack of faith in Evi that I showed her my new song. She didn't deserve to be the target of these damning lyrics.
I was with Philip in the Munster when Evi turned up there...sitting on a bench on the far side, talking to a couple of friends. Philip commented on Evi being there. I looked around...and then I was faced with myself.
Should I stay 'cool' and childish, pretending to ignore her?
I hate that kind of behaviour in others - I hate it in myself. It is all false pride and arrogance. I was thankful to Anada, who told me to "speak to Evi"...and to Sarah, who urged the same. I had planned to do that. I had even wanted Chriggu and Evi to come to the dinner party. But I couldn't phone, or go round their place. This aspect of limitation was not based on false pride, but on the very real energy trauma of being in the place where the 'ghost of Lone Wolf', from whatever misunderstanding, would be be felt by me.
So I had to rely on the chance meeting.
The bruised period of emotional rejection is similar to the period of physical bruising. Around four to five days. So, from Tuesday, I was hoping to talk through the Brian/Evi schism in a calmer, more rational, way. But this was not possible until yesterday.
I waved at Evi sitting on the opposite side of the Munster. She waved back. Then I was faced with myself again.
Should that be enough for the moment?
Of course it wasn't!
Nor was it fair to expect, or wait for, Evi to come to me. Because she may do so and find a grumpy, stand-offish Brian that (were I so) would place me into the catechory of inflated self-esteem. Such a Brian would be arrogant (and undeserving) even to my mind - or particularly to the Brian I would prefer to, honest and intending good energy. All of these things are hard to recognise and apply, but poutiness should be as avoidable as possible and addressed.
So Philip and I went to Evi. My inner sorrow was biting me, but I wanted to heal Brian/Evi. I came to her and we exchanged a "Hi!". My arms reached, indicating I wanted to hug her. This was no sure thing. She may decide I do not come through as deserving of a hug....and Brian will be laid low, belittled. My pride would then have had the chance to re-affirm its falseness...and Brian/Evi would remain in schism.
But Evi rose to meet the outstretched arms and we hugged, while I could think of all the beauty that people with false or over-blown pride are likely to miss.
I asked her how she was, and she answered, "Oh, about 89%, but maybe 90% now."
Evi spoke of the "easy to live in Switzerland rent free" thing as something she was told, rather than something she had claimed....but maybe she heard my words wrong, or someone else had. She spoke of the problem she had, trying to put such a bad Brian energy thing onto the Brian she knew. In the same way, it could be argued, I had the same quandary putting the bad Evi energy thing onto the Evi I knew. So the sense of betrayal swung back and forth throughout the period of schism.
My anger and grief at 'betrayal' was too deep for me to deal with when Sarah and Evi were at the Reithalle on the Saturday after the Lone Wolf demise. Evi said she was waiting until later to talk to me, but then I vanished (with Philip to the Lorraine and then to Ana's). Aside from the day after this, when I came to pick up my diaries from the WG, I have not seen Evi...and unless we met alone it would be hard to talk over sources of anger or sorrow.
Evi pointed out that snubbing her was as much bad energy as the bad energy I accused her of (in my mind). The problem for me here is that this is completely true.
The problem (for me) is that my song can be switched around and directed at me...and be suitable condemnation of my thoughts and actions.
But I am only human. My emotional distress led me to the irrational, and it was my fear that the Evi that I wanted and needed (to believe in) was actually illusory - and that the Evi who back bites was reality - that fuelled my emotional distress.

Busker Brian HOMEPAGE


Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce