11/09/99 - Sat - Antwerp (Belgium) - Last night I babysat MC's
children, and his daughter was enriching company. We couldn't speak much. Her English (and my French/Vlamms) is too uncertain.
But we explored inanimate material - and how to turn these things into amusing games. She is similar to Rachel (age-wise),
so it gave me valuable experience on communication skills with this age group. She could be delightful (sometimes) or a little
annoying (sometimes). But her natural inclination, given a free rein, was to vent expression that ranged rapidly from one
point to another of those extremes. When she grows enough for it, she will probably find the persona of Helen (of Troy) delightful.
Rachel, however, has (even from our little time together) shown no trace of Helen.
Rather, she has shown a powerful capacity for constancy. She has had to walk the path of Orpheus, much like I. She seems to
already understand that faith in someone can yield a richer reward than anything else life can bring... if that faith, despite
all moments of doubt, is vindicated.
The idea of this faith probably comes from the re-assurances of Paula (her mother),
my brother and whatever tokens of communication I did utilise. In the end, however, she needed a strong inner belief.
Upon our meeting at Heathrow Airport it resulted in her belief transforming into a will that sought to re-assure me as much
as I sought to reassure her.
The peaceful friendship that is Paula/Brian is, in itself, a healthy promise; but
Rachel/Brian is a flower that has a mutual will to be nurtured. I stand by the words in my song, "The Labyrinth":
'I'll never take the Labyrinth once more
because it's you I am searching for'
Meeting Rachel signified the Labyrinth exit. Gill/Brian and the events of New York
could have plunged me into a Labyrinth of emotional disappointment and escapism that would have (as a side consequence) seen
me lose Rachel once more - as I lose myself in manipulation and counter manipulation with people here who are ultimately only
out for themselves and the way they can play with me.
So, my visualisation is best directed at practical. How to secure my living arrangements
in Antwerp... and how to secure my freedom of movement from (and to) Antwerp. The welcome of Kriso is renewed and is valid
until he moves. That gives space and time to study options. MC has offered a room in his place. I can store my belongings
in this. In emergencies, I can stay there, but at the moment it is best kept only for emergency. It is a small room - ideal
for creativity, but not for Winter quarters. But some option will probably arise (given time) for Winter quarters, if I need
Shooting off to Switzerland would be escapist.... and a plunge into another Labyrinth,
if it was simply to get away from emotional disappointment.
Gill/Brian should be removed from its state of conflict and differences analysed,
alongside any shared purpose (if any). Truth and illusion should be as clearly defined as possible, but the level of trust
I put her way should be heavily rationed if there is cause for future interaction. The most likely avenue for interaction
is creative, or creative projects.... but instead of all the way and time intensive it should be a slow evolvement (as a side
project), seeking to build something for the Spring or late Winter. But Gill/Brian may prove to be a conflict taken to extremes,
until co-operation becomes unwanted (or simply impractical) through insufficient will or belief.
One signpost could have been Agnes, but she leaves for India next month. I may gain
practical ideas from her, so she promised to seek me out. If the desire is in her for this then this may happen. She had always
projected an air of warmth toward me.
Any visit to Switzerland has to be based on practical matters, not on emotional escapism.
Above all, the practicality of maintaining Rachel/Brian in regular contact must over-ride barriers set before me by logistics
and emotional commitments that come my way.
My dreams were vivid and varied last night:
Once more, Tom Barman emerged in one dream. In this I was playing and singing with
dEUS and Tom spoke of his observation, "Last year you would have been too much to handle as a member of a group. You would
have been a depressing ambience backstage for all the other band members."
Another dream also spoke of this team spirit idea. I was in Italy - and I sought to
enter a stadium to play for my football team. But the security guards insisted I should have this document, or that
document... and that I should have applied to this office, or that office. The last two security guards
were less strict, but they insisted on abiding by the rules.
So I called out to Bart (Tightrope), who I saw inside the stadium. He came my way,
and demanded I be let in to play for the team. Still the guards were doubtful, but less so. So I moved in with a damning remark....
"Do you have this system for all foreign teams playing here?"
"Yes, we do," they answered.
"And you have denied entrance to members of these teams, because of this technicality?"
"Yes, we have," they admitted, ruefully.
"So your team has a better chance of winning because of this?"
They had to admit this was true. They let me pass.
My attitude, before all this, was reluctance to even want to be at this place.
But the manager expected, and wanted, me there.
Tom Barman seems to be some kind of commentator for me in my dream world. Perhaps
the Rachel/Brian re-connection removes the dark edges of my psyche that had been wrought by despair and guilt. It meant I
inspired, yet deterred, those who bore me love this past year. Gill/Brian could almost be the manifest expression of the end
conflict in this. Meeting Rachel would lead to an inevitable re-colouring of Brian. It would be cause for alarm as well as
celebration for someone strongly
connected emotionally to me. The dark energies of Gill were brought to the fore and
catalysed by the dark energies of Brian before, and after, his encounter with Rachel.
Gill took the path of extremes. I was in a turmoil of extremes. Too much was happening
inside me to even know how to deal with Gill's desire to address our relationship status. The strange, volcanic,
moody Brian that entered New York disturbed everyone - and doubly so, Gill. I was not comfortable to be with at all.
Gill had not the strength, or (it seems) the desire, to deal with me. She is more comfortable with superficial. That is her
The monster that clawed me on inner levels surfaced onto outer levels, as I sought
to emerge from the Labyrinth. It made everyone nervous. It made me confused. Gill extracted the monster by her intent to desert
me, just when I needed her most. Desertion became betrayal. To banish the monster I had to banish Gill. The monster was banished
onto inner levels, awaiting suppression and self assessment.
To move forward I should seriously note Tom Barman's advice. There is no need for
the monster anymore. Brian/Rachel has been reached and the Labyrinthal hauntings, and the stalking of its monsters, is past.
The final monster that emerged so forcibly was the Labyrinth. It was the
monster who guarded the exit. If I failed to recognise this, and sought to 'fight my reflection', then inexorably the Labyrinth
would close once more around me. This is a clear message - and a clear lesson for me.
Everyone needs to be re-assessed with a new optimism, based on realism. All dark areas
of emotional conflict at this point of my life were catalysed by my imprisonment in the Labyrinth.
Gill/Brian is not a matter where I should behave childishly or selfishly
- not anymore. It was necessary up until now. But now I have, through my dreams and intuition, the basis of post-Labyrinthal
Maybe you will shout at me for my 'weakness'. But I will seek to reconcile Gill/Brian
and eradicate the conflict into post-Labyrinthal peace, even if that peace involves Gill/Brian never interacting again. But
the souls should have peace with each other.
Maybe you will ask, "Why aren't you angry? Why are you surrendering? What about the
way she hurt you? How can you forgive and forget that?"
The answer is, "It isn't a question of forgetting. To forget the experiences of your
life is to waste your life, if they are matters of soul reaching lessons. Nor is it forgiveness. It is merely acceptance that
the conflict happened... and two people felt the desire to have this conflict. But acceptance that it has happened is enough,
once the bruises have healed and looking forward becomes impeded by inner bitterness.
I have Rachel/Brian. I lost Gill/Brian.
Now I can accept this. "
As for the conflict, it is stored (in essence) in my new song.... my side of the fence
is aired and my opinion on things. Without a new peace there can be no new contentment and acceptance that certain moments
have passed, leaving little relevance to new paths.
Brian/Rachel represents a new path. All other paths will fall in, or fall away.
The problem over the New York trip (and before this) was my view of Brian/Rachel and
Brian/Gill, both up there high in my life. Gill had not this wish anymore. She wanted Brian/Gill as some kind of brother/sister
bond, like Evi. But my experience of Evi does not make such an idea attractive.
One sister is enough.
Also, I needed time to gain acceptance of the sudden end of Brian/Gill.... to accept
that 'all the way' is not possible, nor desirable. Gill used her energy badly (and at the wrong time) to gain acceptance from
me of anything but conflict. But now Brian/Gill is lost there is no longer cause for conflict.
The Monster in Gill must be banished.