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The Monster Stalks - August 28th,1999 (New York)

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Brian Robert Pearce

A Monster unleashed in New York - August,1999

28/08/99 - New York - VTM (Belgian Television) will today broadcast a scheduled two minute news report on the Tightrope play here in New York. Sue Hendricks, the presenter, was intent on interviewing the Flemish cast members (Wesley, Bart, Inge, Gert..etc) and, of course, Ken Post. I don't know what has been shown, but we all congregated at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (76th, off Central Park) last Thursday for the filming.
Sue, and the cameraman, attended the evening performance at the theatre. They filmed selected parts of the play, concentrating probably on the Flemish performers and the Salvadore Dali trial ( Roy and me). I guess I may come into the report to some extent.
Le Soir, a Belgian newspaper (French text) gave a review of the show. It mentioned Lenny, Bonnie and I as the mainpins of the play and Wesley and Roy as high in potential.
It described me as a Troubadour.
29/08/99 - No entry
30/08/99 - The sixth show of Tightrope revealed its potential and future prospects...should it be held together. But the cast is trans-Atlantic...and many may drop out of the project. There is schism and dissension because of the Gill/Brian scenario...and her decision to parade my scalp via Lenny.
Lenny is red blooded enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Gill freely admitted to me that she used Lenny. Lenny is, naturally, only too willing to be used.
While they have Brian to talk about they have one mutual subject matter.
As Lenny/Gill seem to be in relationship it cuts away a big slice of Gill's defence over the Brian/Gill thing ---"I'm not ready for relationship!"
It seems, in contrast, she is not ready (or able) to NOT be in relationship. She certainly doesn't seem capable of facing the necessary rest period a relationship break up would recommend.
Considering the way I fall into black moods whenever Gill and Lenny are in the same place as me - and considering these dark moods confuse the rest of the Tightrope crew into not knowing how to deal with Brian - I sought some kind of philosophical answer today at Jay's ( where I am staying.)
Jay had a book called 'Conversations with God'.
Whether the book is 'God speaking' or not is irrelevant. The author is clearly seeking answers to his own relationship quandaries, and in his way he arrives at a viewpoint. It is this viewpoint that appeals to me, because I can see there can be validity and effectiveness in the philosophical execution.
We can avoid the suffering of post relationship by choosing to re-adjust our sense of purpose elsewhere. In essence, we are free to choose a direction in life that is responsible to ourselves.
The way the viewpoint applies to this situation is thus:-
Gill was free to choose what she wanted - and how she wanted to achieve this.
In ordinary circumstances I should respect her freedom to do this....
Her actual action was to impose on me, as a captive audience, the full nature of her choices..and to poison my energy flow between all the crew of Tightrope here in New York.
Her actual action was to make me bleed. Whatever she may claim her intention is...her choice co-incides with a plan to extract the maximum pain and for the maximum period.
Two weeks in New York.
The result of her choices has been that.
I have no choices.
I am unable to walk away, because I am a prisoner of a strange city in another continent.... and a prisoner of the limited accomodation possibilities here, alongside my even more limited financial possibilities.
But my freedom of choice is coming. Once I am in Antwerp I will be homeless...and probably penniless initially...but still I will have the luxury of choice that is denied me here.
My choice would be to be freed from the sight of Lenny/Gill.
That choice has been hardened by the inability of Gill to make any effort to use discretion over the Lenny/Gill line. To the point where Ken, Roy and others treat her with disdain.
The spirit behind the Tightrope crew was held together by my social energising efforts of last Winter. In effect, Gill has spiked my ability to maintain a unity of spirit in the crew...and the break up of the troupe may well occur, because everyone just crumbles into the disparate worlds of their own existence.
My choice on Gill is to pick up all my stuff remaining at her appartment in Antwerp...hand her the keys...and adjust my image of the future...excluding her and re-directing energies in more fruitful avenues.
In this way I will need accept only what happens to come back of Brian/Gill in time...if anything.
But it seems that I can actually DO this.
Not yesterday...but now I feel I can.
Gill's choice has been made. I was forced to watch.
My choice is due soon.
I won't force her to watch.

Ken's annoyance came out last night, according to Roy ( someone else feeling annoyance, it seems). Ken told Lenny/Gill, "If you want to **** get booked into a hotel!"
Since arrival in New York Gill has stayed at Ken's appartment. She was constantly moaning about 'peace' and 'space alone'...and yet she never once took up the option Bonnie or Kenny offered the troupe for alternative accomodation.
No! She had to stay at Ken's and play mind games with me, while limiting the space options by making people feel they couldn't use the spare bed in one of Ken's bedrooms. Then she had to coax me back her way just before the next Lenny/Gill tease. Like Annemie, Gill is someone I could view as beautiful. Like Annemie, she strikes me as ugly these days.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Jay ( with whom I have been staying) is unable to put me up from tonight, because his mother is coming back. The prospect of Gill/Lenny and Brian being stuck at Ken's place in an ouvert energy conflict depressed me....because it was I who wanted this conflict - to unchain myself and exert my right to choose.
If I want to cut people out of my life I should have that choice - or I will implode inside.
I spoke to Ken thus afternoon...explaining that my efforts to gain accomodation had fallen flat. Wesley and Els had taken up the Kenny option and Gert is at Bonnie's. I told Ken that Gill/Lenny "p**ssed me off".
It was good to do so, because otherwise the troupe members may think it is them I resent. Even so, they are probably disturbed by my agitation.
But Ken/Brian goes back a long way - and though he may not be able to easily offer financial thanks for my efforts he does know the problem I face...and the problem Gill has chosen to face me with. Ken phoned me at Jay's earlier tonight to say Gill/Lenny are staying elsewhere. That is the status quo I like.
I'm sure Gill will have much fun with Lenny when he cuts out being 'dry' and resumes his alcoholic norm. I'm sure Lenny will have much fun with Gill when he discovers her rewind mind, moodiness, exhausting hyperactivity and contradictions.
In conclusion, I recommend never to trust anyone who says, "To be honest..." ...too often. Because unless they say that they are probably NOT being honest. Even if they DO say that....take it with a pinch of salt.
As Gill is a creature of Mind it is fair to assess that she sees advantage on material, practical levels with Lenny. Lenny has an appartment in Antwerp. She could shack up with him and save the problem of rent. It may even be she has a groupie mentality and views Lenny as the 'star'.
I suspect her emotions have little to do with her actions. It is fear and uncertainty that probably underlines her behaviour.
As I noted to her, she has a problem with her self value. On a personal level for me...New York sucks. Much as I imagined it would do. To earn money playing the street would be hard. Gill/Brian tried this weekend.
Only the Al Fresco (the past two Sundays on Rivington Street) salvaged things.
I played alone the first Sunday with a mouse amp and microphone for ten dollars in the hat. Yesterday I played the pitch with Gill for six dollars.
But the Al Fresco paid me a hundred dollars for the two pitches.
Gill only made one of these pitches because of the mind games, but I told her she can have half of the the payment.
There were times when she came to our financial rescue in the past. So it's fair I help her along on this.

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