28/08/99 - New York - VTM (Belgian Television) will today broadcast a scheduled two
minute news report on the Tightrope play here in New York. Sue Hendricks, the presenter, was intent on interviewing the Flemish
cast members (Wesley, Bart, Inge, Gert..etc) and, of course, Ken Post. I don't know what has been shown, but we all congregated
at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (76th, off Central Park) last Thursday for the filming.
Sue, and the cameraman, attended the evening performance at the theatre. They filmed
selected parts of the play, concentrating probably on the Flemish performers and the Salvadore Dali trial ( Roy and me). I
guess I may come into the report to some extent.
Le Soir, a Belgian newspaper (French text) gave a review of the show. It mentioned
Lenny, Bonnie and I as the mainpins of the play and Wesley and Roy as high in potential.
It described me as a Troubadour.
29/08/99 - No entry
30/08/99 - The sixth show of Tightrope revealed its potential and future prospects...should it be
held together. But the cast is trans-Atlantic...and many may drop out of the project. There is schism and dissension because
of the Gill/Brian scenario...and her decision to parade my scalp via Lenny.
Lenny is red blooded enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Gill freely admitted
to me that she used Lenny. Lenny is, naturally, only too willing to be used.
While they have Brian to talk about they have one mutual subject matter.
As Lenny/Gill seem to be in relationship it cuts away a big slice of Gill's defence
over the Brian/Gill thing ---"I'm not ready for relationship!"
It seems, in contrast, she is not ready (or able) to NOT be in relationship. She certainly
doesn't seem capable of facing the necessary rest period a relationship break up would recommend.
Considering the way I fall into black moods whenever Gill and Lenny are in the same place
as me - and considering these dark moods confuse the rest of the Tightrope crew into not knowing how to deal with Brian -
I sought some kind of philosophical answer today at Jay's ( where I am staying.)
Jay had a book called 'Conversations with God'.
Whether the book is 'God speaking' or not is irrelevant. The author is clearly seeking answers
to his own relationship quandaries, and in his way he arrives at a viewpoint. It is this viewpoint that appeals to me, because
I can see there can be validity and effectiveness in the philosophical execution.
We can avoid the suffering of post relationship by choosing to re-adjust our sense of purpose
elsewhere. In essence, we are free to choose a direction in life that is responsible to ourselves.
The way the viewpoint applies to this situation is thus:-
Gill was free to choose what she wanted - and how she wanted to achieve this.
In ordinary circumstances I should respect her freedom to do this....
Her actual action was to impose on me, as a captive audience, the full nature of her choices..and
to poison my energy flow between all the crew of Tightrope here in New York.
Her actual action was to make me bleed. Whatever she may claim her intention is...her choice
co-incides with a plan to extract the maximum pain and for the maximum period.
Two weeks in New York.
The result of her choices has been that.
I have no choices.
I am unable to walk away, because I am a prisoner of a strange city in another continent....
and a prisoner of the limited accomodation possibilities here, alongside my even more limited financial possibilities.
But my freedom of choice is coming. Once I am in Antwerp I will be homeless...and probably
penniless initially...but still I will have the luxury of choice that is denied me here.
My choice would be to be freed from the sight of Lenny/Gill.
That choice has been hardened by the inability of Gill to make any effort to use discretion
over the Lenny/Gill line. To the point where Ken, Roy and others treat her with disdain.
The spirit behind the Tightrope crew was held together by my social energising efforts of
last Winter. In effect, Gill has spiked my ability to maintain a unity of spirit in the crew...and the break up of the troupe
may well occur, because everyone just crumbles into the disparate worlds of their own existence.
My choice on Gill is to pick up all my stuff remaining at her appartment in Antwerp...hand
her the keys...and adjust my image of the future...excluding her and re-directing energies in more fruitful avenues.
In this way I will need accept only what happens to come back of Brian/Gill in time...if
But it seems that I can actually DO this.
Not yesterday...but now I feel I can.
Gill's choice has been made. I was forced to watch.
My choice is due soon.
I won't force her to watch.