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The Monster struggle - August 31st,1999

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Brian Robert Pearce

A Monster unleashed in New York - August,1999

31/08/99 - There is now only Roy, Inge, Bart, Wesley and I here at Ken's and the mood has a peace for me at last. Inge and I sang some of my songs - and it would be good to have her learn more.
It is easier to seize the time important for reflection. With reflection...I can evolve.
01/09/99 - Weds - Erin (Camille Claudel) phoned to invite everyone to dinner tomorrow evening. With Wesley and Els due to catch a plane back to Europe and Gert intent on a mini trip to California... and with Lenny/Gill wherever they went...there will be little left of the troupe to attend the dinner.
That is good.
It leaves a greater scope for quality conversation.
Here, in Washington Square, the squirrals are as tame as the ones in Central Park - probably more so. They mingle happily with the human population.
Here, by the central pool, I face the arch immortalised in the song 'Washington Square'.
All around the park there are guitarists jamming or singing. No one is going to take much notice of another guitarist. But my rendition of 'Washington Square' here last Saturday did bring attention and applause.
People sit around here as though paying reverance to the central core of "something missing" from their lives.
Probably there is!
Maybe everyone thinks the fountain will provide the solution...and thus are their lives transformed.
I guess this has been an active year for me. But now there is a change.
Now I am in a period of mourning for a part of Brian's life dying. There is an open field for new birth...and visualisation must replace the mourning to maintain a healthy balance within Brian.
Any death is tragic - or an avenue for release. Or both.
To conceive new birth takes concentration. The mourning impedes this, at present. But the mourning is a healthy bridge to new life.
The future need not be feared. I have the freedom to visualise and shape the future.
That makes me lucky.
A beautiful moment has passed.
Somewhere, up ahead, another beautiful moment waits.
This year has brought many beautiful moments:- I saw my daughter for the first time since four years back. Gill/Brian had beautiful moments. Tightrope happened. Ruana returned. Evi came to Antwerp. Portugal. Even the experience of New York has offered good moments.
The future awaits only one thing to enrich the life of Brian: his vision.
Something to believe in...a sense of purpose...and someone to love.

02/09/99 - Thurs - The absence of Lenny/Gill has resulted in a more stable Brian and my more positive outer energies has aided a re-emerging commitment, within waverers, for the future of Tightrope. Bart, Inge and Roy are being eased back into the idea of future participation in Tightrope. Wesley and Gert - and even Els - have had their lines to me made good.
Wesley and Gert even spoke of their distaste over Gill's actions,
"She was playing games with you, " said Wesley, " You shouldn't let her do that."
"She was throwing herself around at all the guys, including me," remarked Gert.
By such a stratagem someone is bound to bite. Especially someone with cause, in their mind, to view me competitively. Like a pinball, it would be inevitable that the ball would bounce past the flippers into the defeat of a frienemy.
But Ken remarked that I had kept my cool...and Gert and Wesley also respected me for this.
The end result, for Tightrope (as I watched the last video), is that the extraction of energy Lenny gained pushed him through as the 'star'. His saxophone innovation and relaxed ambience made a massive contribution to the success of the last performance.
My performance was OK, but I had to contend with Inge being lost as an 'intro' partner - leaving me to ad-lib on the stage. Inge wasn't feeling well due to the heat.
In addition, I had to contend with a broken string on "Hoop for the lowly"...and a cracked, worn voice on "Georgia", due to the bad air in New York and the forlorn efforts to make money, singing on the Al Fresco pitch earlier in the day.
All of these problems I handled competently...seemingly unperturbed. But my concentration was on the emotional matters immediately before the play.
Gill and I had been together all afternoon and my inner release awaited stating my annoyance over Lenny/Gill to her, especially should they seek to extract my energy, and attachment to the troupe, by emphasising my 'shame' at Ken's place.
As Wesley said, "It is all a game".
Only made possible by trusting in someone as manipulative and insecure as Gill. Philip's mind works in the same way on the negative side of things. So her actions and motives are not inexplainable.
Just read this Journal.
But my private self is embryonic after the intensive Brian/Gill link since early July. So I am a child, in philosophical terms, re-constructing myself.
Being aware of mind games is not enough.
Nor can I effectively shield myself....try as I might.
It is the path of the true creative artist to examine...and feel...his inner joy and pain. Because of this, I do have the ability to recover quickly.
But, even so, it will take time re-constructing Brian.
It is painful, but ultimately more beneficial than the courses Gill has chosen. But it is also selfish.
It is the will that I should always be seeking full flower. It is the knowledge that I am wilting, rather than doing this.
The Brian/Gill line is the cut off the flower and let a new one grow.
Brian/Lenny is, at best, a polite line. We know we aren't greatly enamoured of each other. He doesn't have to say anything to proclaim his sense of triumph. Gill will do that for him. Here...and in Antwerp on the Groen Platz.
All my frienemies will enjoy this one.
But the Groen Platz is not the centre of my universe...and neither is Gill.
The Groen Platz is the centre of the universe for Lenny, however.
03/09/99 - Fri - By the lake in Central Park. I sit on the grass...and my soul mourns the tactics of my mind. But there needs to be a pen that works better than this one...
Last night I slept at Erin's place. It can be said I was manipulative in this.
But with Lenny/Gill back from their exile and the Kenny option in Jersey wildly impractical - considering I was in 41st street, Queens - I was being stripped of my choices... and chained to the Lenny/Gill show.
Erin spoke of the role she had to play for a television drama in California recently:-
"I was playing a woman in relationship. She was in bed with her lover and she got up to smoke a cigarette. He objected...and the whole thing turned into a physical power contest to highlight relationship conflict. I had to use Karate and gymnastics...and I got a few bruises from falls I had to take. Eventually I tied the guy up on the bed and I was threatening him with a knife. But the phone rang and it was my mother. While I was speaking to her the guy escaped...and the last scene ended with him hanging from the balcony in his underwear as he vainly tried to get away."
"It is highly symbolic!" I remarked.
Being in New York, with the need to perform Tightrope, left me "tied up on the bed". Ken was the "mother" taking Gill away from the taunting. Lenny/Gill returning yesterday...and coming to Erin's...left me "hanging from the balcony".

Erin has a sharp, intelligent mind. Speaking to her of an abstract concept was possible. She has also kept journals. When I spoke of habitual response from my conditioning,and my attempt to remove myself from such a thing, she understood the notion. The idea that linear action, based on logic, are necessary (occasionally) to counteract confusion within our responses when we attempt to tread unconditioned new ground was also accepted (and understood) by her.
It was linear action, based on logic, that I resorted to last night. Late in the evening Erin (dutifully) asked how I was doing. I replied,
"I'm hanging from the balcony."
I feigned sleep (manipulative) when it was approaching time to go. Inge gently attempted to wake me when it was time to go. But Erin recognised my need, and said,
"Did you want to sleep on the couch?"
I did!
Relentlessly, I had waged a psychological energy war with Gill. As Gill has chosen her path...and the path involves incitement to conflict...I have escalated the conflict through MY choice.
My action is childish.
My action is selfish.
But, as Wesley stated, I have a right to refuse to tolerate her vampirical policy.
Gill is very good at hiding her emotions behind her 'tea party' titter tatter. The Lenny/Gill thing...added to her social the means by which she assaulted me on energy fronts.
My reaction has been to be seen to be hurt and upset, but honourable in efforts on concilliation
But she had no intention of being circumspect. Her energy attack had to be open...and public.
It had to be in a way that coloured me 'the outcasts of the outcasts'.
So...once I could see her intent and the way my energy was being sucked.. I fought back and invited conflict. In this, I breach the shallow outer level Gill is intent on showing and drag out the mourning she refuses to acknowledge.
By the end of the night Gill was 'going down'. If there was no love this would not be possible....
"When I play tricks on you
It confuses me too
When you hide from me
you lose sight of part of you
and if this ain't love..
even if this is love..
what are we gonna do?"  Ken Post
Words from a Tightrope song, written by Ken Post, but performed in Belgium, Portugal and the USA by Brian/Gill.
Gill has sought to deny the trauma of relationship break up by seeking the cushion of Lenny...and leaving all the loneliness and grief for me to bear.
She injected the idea that it was only I who wanted relationship...and that she has always had doubts.
She HAS always had doubts, but have I.
Who can predict the future?
What she is claiming is distorted, however, because she is dwelling on negative impulses and phases.
There were highly positive impulses and phases that had her claiming certainty that Brian/Gill would work...the holiday, the joint creative crusade, her suggestion that we get a place together.
You can not point to one aspect of light or dark thoughts and call it the truth.
So..despite Lenny/Gill...I pierce the barriers of Gill and she is forced to look at Brian..look at what she will lose and how her life is affected by the loss. In the same way, I look at Gill....look at what I will lose and how my life is affected by the loss.
Conciliation is in her court. It appears she has not the courage to face...and control drama...and repair the breaking line that is Brian/Gill.


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