13/10/98 - Tues - Bern (Switzerland) - After Evi and I arrived at the Reithalle she offered me a
beer to celebrate her success on the street. An hour or so on...and there was Adana, with Tanya, rushing up to greet us and
join us at the table, although it could be argued that Adana's excitement was chiefly directed at the presense of Evi - and
that Tanya doesn't look to have the zest for life to 'rush' anywhere. Maybe she is the saddest girl I've ever seen. Her eyes
are like burning arrows into my soul...as I see (and remember) Char's eyes...and how they burned the same back in '94 and
'95. But Tanya is still too shy to hold those eyes my way, aside from brief flashes. The sorrow I read, when she does, tears
me and there is no question that my soul is ready to love her soul...wishing it could bring some happiness into those eyes.
Tanya looks to have so much love and care within that soul. Her only problem is the hard, cynical look she seeks to project,
but which melts into vulnerability and shyness that only a kind person can display.
She is beautiful! A wondrous soul.
Adana(20) is similarly this, but she is able to speak of what pains her within the soul. Our eyes
look in total soul communication that is unsurpassed here in Switzerland...aside (possibly) from Chantel. Adana speaks of
her anger and hurt at the way her emotions are stamped on by those who matter to her.
Who knows? Maybe I am included among the stampers.
But, if I am, I do it through my care for her - to help her find herself and strip away illusion
On truth and illusion, Adana has probably a stronger grasp than Evi, who seems blinded by the romantic
image she keeps of Marco in her mind. She spent about 15Sfr phoning him in New York...and he told her of his heartbreak at
losing his last girlfriend. He told her of feelings felt toward his last girlfriend...and Evi could listen to the description
of how SHE felt about Marco....and not see the paradox.
For Marco to be fruitful to Evi, he would need to be using up her phone money time telling Evi to
"come home! I want you here!".
"But he said at the end 'here's a big, big, big, big hug' " remarked Evi, " And so I sent him a
big, big, big, big hug too."
Big, big, big, big deal!
Imagination proved a useful device for Ruana's 'big hugs' in our phone call period. Words cost nothing!
If it were really true, then "come home! I want you here!" would cost Marco nothing - except maybe a dent to his ego to be
so overly demonstrative to someone pawing on the floor.
Adana bent down to speak assuringly to Tanya, while my eyes looked relentlessly toward her....and
sometimes, Tanya would look my way, burning me with a 'Char' stare. Feeling the energy of empathy I put my hand onto Adana's
shoulder and stroked her gently and caringly. Adana responded by placing her arm, elbow downwards, onto my right knee. It
was a special moment of empathy and unity...until she had to resume her seat because her foot was going to 'sleep'.
When Evi and I made to go I hugged Adana...and then I gave Tanya a kiss on the lips and a hug, took
her hand...and said, with a smile, " You're great!"
It wasn't intended as an empty platitude.
It was intended to give Tanya the idea she could, after all, BE great. Not bad, which is her
most likely self-appraisal.
Small comments can have large effects....
because if I had sorrowfully gave her consoling words, it would re-inforce her own sorrow. To have
someone simply SMILING and saying, "You're great!" would be an unexpected response.
She would have to think along a different line to work out the comment, rather than the well trodden
self punishing one...where the last thing she can believe is that she is great.
Ah well...wait and see on that one.
Now i've got to try to catch someone in at the WG, so I can pick up the things I may need in Kehrsatz...and
to let them know I'm going to BE at Kehrsatz. The forecast looks good this week - reaching 19C and sunny for Thursday and
Friday. If this turns out so, I will have the chance to pull together break out money. To have the option to escape the 'Bear'
trap, if I choose, improves my inner feeling of control on emotional levels. It would increase my sense of emotional power,
but such a thing is to be used wisely to be effective. To have no need, nor desire, to use power is usually better than resorting
to it. But...to have the ability to leave Bern...and have the choice of return this Winter...is, at this moment, on the table
as possible...because I have Kehrsatz, with Jarru and Philip's approval, as accommodation option...and I have the WG (as Evi
was able to assure me) as an accommodation option. Though it will need to be checked before leaving Antwerp it is as strong
an assurance as I could require...on a minimum level. Further inroads may be achieved yet on this trip, but, as things stand,
we seem to have success.
But, as it is, it may be I'll yet be here a couple of weeks and it may be November before I eventually
head for Antwerp. Nothing is (of course) dogmatic, but to hold the script, on parallel lines, is important.
There is nothing known that can be labelled urgent about Antwerp...and things are still developing
here. So I don't feel pressurised.
14/10/98 - Weds - Today has been a complete Kehrsatz day.
I haven't shifted from the place - mainly because I did my laundry and I didn't have dry enough clothes to wear. So, as with
many other laundry days, it is a shut off day.
But I was able to catch up a bit with Philip (17). His pre-occupation, at the moment, is his double
support gig with Eliot's Iggy band in Worb. It doesn't pay much, but it is experience.
Last night was one where I was neutered action wise, because I had to pick up my laundry and
toothbrush from the WG...and I needed to wait until a time when someone was in. I met Jarru..and we arranged to meet half
eight at the Bahnoff, in order to travel to Worb for the Eliot gig. The only thing to do was to have dinner at the Manora
and phone the WG just past seven to see if anyone was back.
Evi was. So I headed there.
On my arrival, Evi said it was a relief to get a couple of hours on her own in the WG.
This I can understand, but it is her choice to be in relationship, from one guy to another...and
relationships take up a great deal of personal space. Especially if your partner only does a part time job, so is often around.
Also, your (effective) best friend is sharing a room with you...and yet you still insist it is desirable for a Brian to be
In the end, it is pointless blaming those around you for lack of space. It is better to simply take
your space - with, or without, explanation.
My Labyrinth is complicated. It has no cause to cramp people who seek space.
They can have it - for a month, a year, or a lifetime. My attention to people is based on 'Go away'
signals or 'Come here' signals. There are too many 'Come here' calls for me to waste time on 'Go away' signallers.
If Evi is cramped for space for her creative efforts, then it is not me that cramps her. She has
a pedestal in New York that she adheres herself to emotionally like a worshipper to a God. Yet she leaves herself open to
what can only be (by her inference) a half-attached relationship and all kinds of squawks seeking her attention (or vice versa).
Her space and time are thus used up.
This would not be bad if it caused her to kick in the Muse. But it evidently does not. In the end,
it needs Brian to tell her of ways to kick in the Muse. I believe that, ultimately, she knows this, which is why (provided
she is not lying) she says she wants me around in the WG.
But I do not beg to be there. I like being there, but only if I sense comfort with it. I accept
moods as part and parcel of it, but I won't stand for being the guilty party intruding whenever one of them takes a trip into
the pessimistic. I have my home (or a simile of it) in Antwerp. I have options, like Kehrsatz, building here. If Chantel comes
up trumps, another option may open.
I appreciate the hospitality shown by Evi/Chriggu/Sarah, but there must be something special coming
back for them to feel the desire to offer the hospitality. I could have just used them to conveniently pull in the money to
get to Antwerp, and home, while telling a couple of jokes to be social every now and then. I could have just told Evi she
sings nice and not give a damn whether she's creative, or not. Let alone seek to encourage her potential. I could have made
no emotional efforts toward Sarah, because there was no recognisable evidence of a bond from my side.
Instead, I took the search.
Yes! They pay rent. I don't, nor would they want me to pay rent. But the WG is a beehive of onus
and work for me, however pleasant it may be most of the time.
But does work always fall onto unpleasant?
Of course not!
But anyone who has read this diary will know how vital a task the WG represents. It is the central
focus of this Bern visit...and it is the central reason I'm still here.
I haven't saved any money. I've got 12Sfr...in the world!
They pay rent; I pay with my life, my hopes, my inner tears and frustration with the Labyrinth.
I pay by giving my space and time to people who matter (or may matter), while crying for those I can't reach, who
matter and await space and time with me.
So, if I need space for myself I take it ...eventually. Or I ensure I have the snippets of space
I need....to think, to create...like now. Using the positive aspects of addiction, I am an addict to this diary. It is a natural
space maker. If I haven't written in it I get withdrawal symptoms. I may decide to write a song rather than attend the diary.
But the diary teaches me to take an overview on what is happening around me, while maintaining the
'script' on the kind of complex international social interchange that makes up my life right now. It helped to release me
from delusions over Ruana, Annemie and others. It helped to develop surprising growths of bond between me and people I didn't
initially view as significant.
Evi's problem is not one of space. She can get space, simply by being more discerning on who actually
represents important to her life.
She thinks Marco is important. She thinks Sarah is important. She thinks Chriggu is important. She
thinks I am important. No doubt others too. But she places Marco up there in the clouds, so anything beneath the clouds can
be read as low in significance.
She will go to New York and Marco will envelope her with open arms...and they will marry.
Sure thing, Evi!
But then, maybe he is a different New Yorker from the ones I've met thus far.
Whatever, if she truly believed that, why aren't the songs emerging? They should be flooding out
if a glimmer of belief is there....because it is something she hasn't got...that she knows she wants...the vacuum in between
should be a hot bed for song writing.
She is placing her heart in New York..and, because of this, she is firing on three cylinders here....because
of that, she is not observant enough to fully see what is happening around her, or within her. The Heart is offering the Muse
the same old story...and the Muse yawns.
Evi was on her own when I arrived from the Manora. She was petulant about her lack of space and
even threw the keys out the window rather than go down the lift to open the door. That was what she used to do when Danny
Sarah arrived a little later, and 'girls night' was under way as they talked between them. I did
not feel comfortable. When they left to go to the cinema Sarah came to hug me as I sorted out my laundry. I responded, but
basically I was innerly dispassionate.
As they prepared to take the lift Evi gave me a sorrowful look...and I gave her a Danny-style quip.
I guess we may as well live up to the analogy.