The Death of Lone Wolf - Fool or Visionary?

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Chapter Two
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The music on this page is the intro to Wild Wolf:
words/music - B.Pearce
Recording and additional arrangement: Bert Leysens
The music will last about two minutes

12/10/98 - Mon - Bern (Switzerland) - Philip came to visit yesterday. He is playing support for the Iggy Pop Tribute band 'project' of Eliot in Worb on Tuesday and Wednesday. He wants me to come along one night. If it's possible I will. But money is a factor. Chriggu and Evi made up the WG population as Philip was given a share of the dinner. He amused himself reading the 'Lucky Luke' comics hanging around, while I agreed with Evi to go for a drink; but first, I said, I wanted to give Sarah a hug when she finally arrived home. From half seven I was ready for this; but it was not until half eleven that she came back.
The welcome hug was nice, but Sarah spoke of missing the train, because she had gotten on the wrong one, stranding herself in Olten. She had to hitch to get back and complained that the last driver had been an asshole, but nothing bad happened.
She explained all this through breath smelling of alcohol, but the main thing was she was back. But Evi upset her by digging at her failure to meet Krisu at the Luzern party, while saying "people were worried".
"Why do people always have to worry about me?" asked Sarah, agitated.
"Well, that's not such a bad thing, is it?" I replied.
"No...I guess not," she agreed, with a hug.
Then she said she was tired (not surprisingly) and with the minimum of a cuddle she set herself to sleep. She needed to be up early for work, so she needed to be asleep....but there was a feeling of anti-climax within me. I guess the Annemie experience from last year still remains strong in my mind. But maybe Sarah and I will never reach that stage of 'all the way'.
Evi calls her a bee and there is much to this analogy. It's hard to pull anything coherent out of the whole thing, but in time that may change....but time is something that is likely to impose limitations and coherence may be needed faster.
One time 'spot' coming closer is evidently Chantal. Of all the times I could have chosen to buy cigarettes it was just after ten at night. I had hoped to meet Sarah coming the other way as I made my way to the Bahnoff to find a kiosk open.
Who came the other way? And so unexpected I made to walk past her? It was Chantal. She opened her arms and spoke my name, so I looked and recognised her.
Naturally, we hugged. She was just about to board a train for Assisi...and the holiday she had told me about.
There was a guy with her, so that must be the boyfriend. From a distance, he smiled a passive acknowledgement to me, though we didn't know each other. In my swift appraisal, he fitted the bill as Chantal fodder. But that I wouldn't know for sure, because her doings are barely known to me.
Of course, Chantal asked, "You will call?"
I said I will, if it's possible...and if I'm still here. Nothing is certain, but I know my Fate path has a certain symmetry. Chantal may be the concluding factor of this Bern trip; the reason, amongst those that have already occurred, that I am still here. The Chantal 'reason' has not had a chance to be clarified, nor has the line had a chance to be embedded beyond the mutual will for it to some way.
What this tells me is that the weekend next (or days around it) could prove significant here in Bern - possibly enough to clarify the the message and result of my stay here.
The visit of Annemie answered some questions. The Oberburg visit answered others. The only truly mysterious questions within that clique are those presented by Chantal.
Meanwhile, the questions within this WG may help provide answers if I look the right way at them. From the female angle, Evi/Sarah can almost be viewed as masculine impulse and feminine impulse....if Evi is taken as the former and Sarah the latter. Between them, they reach across my gender impulse attributes extensively.
But there is more analogy than this. What is the similarity in personality between Sarah and a potentially grown Rachel (my daughter)?
13/10/98 - Tues - It's coming up to midday and there seems clear blue sky (the possibility of terraces this lunch hour) so I must have my wake up coffees and get to the centre around half twelve. As usual, any fragile accumulation of money from the weekend has shrivelled away to less than 10Sfr.
Pitching, for me, was a waste of time...because I didn't start until a quarter to nine in the evening, so could get only four songs played. Plus the pitch I was on was fairly well blanked out by other buskers.
But I didn't mind that overmuch...because I had expected it. I had come out with Evi, who had no money (and needed some), so the priority was that she got money for cigarettes and a beer (if nothing else). She had got her 10Sfr and she decided to  continue on through the time barrier of nine o'clock. What followed was an astonishing 40 minutes where money came in fast, while I stood watching her (which seemed to encourage others to stand and watch also). Just to help things along, applause grew louder once the idea was fuelled. But what struck me was that if this was a gig she'd be having a very successful one. She has a presense that draws people's curiosity. Her voice can reach into the soul.
Our mood was buoyant as she completed the pitch...and as we headed for the Reithalle. She had earnt 60Sfr in an hour on a Monday evening.
The Evi/Brian line doesn't need much effort - it just flows...our friendship and the chemistry between us is a rapidly growing thing...something that lifts me incredibly, because I guess I have always dreamed of such a female as this. Her femininity is evident...our hugging and other physical signs of affection are great. But the bonus to this is our mind link and the friendship appealability that crosses the gender line ....and blurs it. It is as much as going out for a drink with my best mate...feeling relaxed about whatever we choose to speak of.
But, in actuality, there needs to be increased understanding and trust to completely fulfill this....therefore, yesterday was crucial, because we were able to speak over things that needed to be addressed. The "write six songs and keep one or two" philosophy was brought over to "strengthen the muscles of the muse". She likes the idea and intends to try it.
Clarification of her wishes toward me being in the WG was also achieved. I told her she can feel free to tell me if I annoy her with something I do (or don't do) in the WG;
or even if my BEING there annoys her. She said she likes having me in the WG...and doesn't want me to be elsewhere, but sometimes, she admitted, she wants her bed space...and even though I am usually sleeping with Sarah it can seem an intrusion.
So she suggested that when she DOES want her bed space I can sleep on the spare mattress in Chriggu's room.
This sounds a good arrangement.
Staying at Kehrsatz occasionally, I noted, would also be beneficial. She stated Wednesday as a good night for this, because there is a friend coming to visit and stay overnight then.
But I may choose tonight also for Kehrsatz. I'll wait and see. Now, get to work, Brian!
I guess it is important for a guest not to feel intrusive...and sensitive reading of the general energy at the WG can help greatly in this.
Yesterday, when Sarah returned from work she was not only two hours later coming back, but quiet and moody. Evi and chriggu had gone for a drive, so the WG was me alone...aside from a half hour visit from Philip. I suggested his visit be that short because it would give Sarah and I space to be alone for awhile. But she didn't arrive until six..and the energy censors were picking up tension. It was not a comfortable re-union.
Last Saturday, I had sought to speak to her soul via her eyes and I had got enough of a connection to read many of her energy signal emanations. That way I sensed something was bothering her even before she came home. I guess if she is sparse in experience of the soul link she may be confused for awhile...and I may inadvertently project tension or uncertainty her way.
Within the WG, my tension rides over the emotional wondering onto the very practical wondering as to whether someone I know very little about may prefer to sleep alone rather than with me. If so, the continuance of the four pointer in the WG may stumble into collapse, because that is my allotted bed space...sleeping with Sarah. Although Evi fairly well said it's ok to sleep in her bed, because she won't be using it while Sarah and I are sharing the room.
But, understandably, the whole basis of tenure as a guest seems to rest on Sarah/Brian...and how it fares. If it fares well, all is good.
But if it frizzles away?
It can do either. She is eighteen. Do I need to wheel in Ken Post's comment on Annemie a couple of years back?
"Brian, she's eighteen!  Females change their mind fast at that age!"
In addition, I am not sure where I stand in my affections to her...and it's likely she is not sure where I stand for her. So we can begin to run hot like last Friday and Saturday...or we can begin to run cold like yesterday. But neither may be a true reflection of actuality. It is all dependent on mood. 
Yesterday, Sarah stared silently outside the bedroom window for a long time. Evi admitted she doesn't understand what is happening within the mind of Sarah when she becomes quiet and moody. This was a good thing to hear - that she gets these moods - otherwise, I would take it personally.
I came into her room and she was reading. Hoping my energy sensors were accurate, I said, " I think you need some time on your own. Everybody needs that. You've been rushing around all weekend, after working through the week and now you need time alone. I spent all day alone. It was great!"
At this, her expression changed to a smile and a laugh...and we held hands.
Bingo! Got it in one!
Sarah could get her space in a natural way ( as I was heading out with Evi anyway).
This is another example of the four pointer giving more options than a one on one could ever hope. Seeking space in a one on one is a major task of diplomacy. With a four pointer it is so much easier.
I am free to take outside space...and the Sarah/Brian line can develop (or not) at its own pace. It is the same for her. It takes away the pressure of having constant interaction forced on us.
Sarah and I were affectionate lunchtime today, but we both agree a couple of days (for me) in Kehrsatz would be good...and for practical reasons. There is the extra guest coming to stay at the WG overnight tomorrow, my preference to do my laundry at Kehrsatz, plus it would be good to get to Eliot's gig tonight...and have my own space from the same walls of the WG. For Sarah, it means she can feel free to have a girl's nightwith Evi going to the cinema. Though she is free to do this anyhow. But you know what I mean. And Evi would be free (or feel free) to use her bedspace at the end of the night.
Everything fits! For everyone!
I can catch up fully on Jarru, Philip and maybe even Ana.
End of Chapter One....Muse yawns at a pedestal  


THE DEATH OF LONE WOLF details the culmination of the 'soul search' in Bern in 1998. Evi, (20) the Swiss busker with wolf eyes - so loved by me that I wrote a song called WILD WOLF a couple of weeks or so before the first entry in this chapter. But it would be Sarah (18) who would prove to be the most crucial key to a door that led to progress in my navigation of the Labyrinth. But the powerful bond between Lone Wolf (me) and Wild Wolf (Evi) was ensnared by complicated barriers and parameters. Would it survive a sense of betrayal? In the end it was inevitable that Lone Wolf would be torn apart. Only through that could a wholeness be produced within others.
To understand this, it may be necessary to insert here an entry from the journal made on 19/08/98:
I dreamt that Evi and I were in a cafe (whatever) and we walked on while I wheeled a pram clumsily down steps, believing the pram empty, so of no moment whether I was careful or not. But then, at the bottom of the stairs, I saw that a child (baby) was in the pram. But she was unharmed, although the baby suddenly became a doll. I picked up the legs...then the torso and head. I clicked them all together. The moment I did this the baby began to cry.
But that was logical.
It had to be made whole before it could cry.

Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce